Come along and yap with me, perhaps we'll yap in harmony.

Movie meme: last two.

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 03:48:42 GMT

Here's the answers to the quotes no one guessed—I'm going to do this in the form of really obvious quotes.

2. "I have just shot someone, I did it on purpose."
2nd quote from 2. "'Rubber baby buggy bumpers.' Ha! You did not know I would say that!"
3rd quote from 3.

"Trying to be funny?"
"Yes. I am the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger."
"Schwarzenegger."
"Gesundheit."

9. "I got to feeling like a machine. That's no way to feel."
This movie had 2 proper sequels. Here is a quote from one of the sequels: "Baby, by now it's shrunk down to 20 inches."

Who is the man, who would risk his neck for his brother man?

Movies again.

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:43:22 GMT

There's still 8 on my list that haven't been figured out yet, so here are a few (hopefully not too revealing) bonus clues!

2. "I have just shot someone, I did it on purpose."
2nd quote from 2. "'Rubber baby buggy bumpers.' Ha! You did not know I would say that!"

6. "Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball-breaking, duck-fucking pain in the ass."
2nd quote from 6. "I've SEEN the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing 'I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener'." Demolition Man

7. "Let me get you guys some napkins."
"What for?"
The meal in question was pizza. TMNT 2

8. "The last sound he hears should not be that of a wailing woman!"
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere we are... Highlander

9. "I got to feeling like a machine. That's no way to feel."
This movie had 2 proper sequels. Here is a quote from one of the sequels: "Baby, by now it's shrunk down to 20 inches."

11. "Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City 'Sailor wanna hump-hump' bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."
The real quote, as opposed to my slightly abridged version. Quote 2 from this one starts with "I think of a man..." As Good As It Gets

13. "I've lived the life of a man and am not ashamed to admit it."
2nd quote from 13. "How you'd have loved the North Cape and the fjords and the midnight sun...to sail across the reef at Barbados...where the blue water turns to green...to the Falklands where a southerly gale rips the whole sea white!" The Ghost and Mrs. Muir

15. "I watch soap operas. I bake brownies. Normalcy is coursing through my veins."
2nd quote from 15. "Jackie and Marty belong to each other. Jackie's hand was holding Marty's penis when they came out the womb." The House of Yes

ALSO: A couple of new ones.

Bonus. "What are you doing?"
"I just wanted to cuddle."
"Cuddle? What a fag." Boondock Saints

Bonus 2. "Went away? 'I dwell in darkness without you' and it went away?" Willow

The quote game. A little something for everyone.

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 21:29:13 GMT

1) Pick 15 movies
2) Look up a quote for each from IMDB and post them
3) Let everyone guess what movie each quote is from (but don't cheat using Google or IMDB)

1. "I've been listening to that horse shit of yours for months, and you can take that crap and blow it out your ass. And for good measure, sit on THIS." Kentucky Fried Movie

2. "I have just shot someone, I did it on purpose."

3. "Look! A Turkish massage owl! And look! It’s a bat! Sweet mustache! Willikers!" Wizard People, Dear Reader

4. "Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing." The Princess Bride

5. "This town needs an enema!" Batman

6. "Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball-breaking, duck-fucking pain in the ass."

7. "Let me get you guys some napkins."
"What for?"

8. "The last sound he hears should not be that of a wailing woman!"

9. "I got to feeling like a machine. That's no way to feel."

10. "Including you? There have been exactly one... thousand... five hundred and two." Don Juan DeMarco

11. "Where'd you learn to talk like that? In some Panama City sailor-wanna-hump-hump bar?"

12. "If you screw up even this much, I'll have you flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong." Top Gun

13. "I've lived the life of a man and am not ashamed to admit it."

14. "What a fine fat boy you are, Jack!" Legend

15. "I watch soap operas. I bake brownies. Normalcy is coursing through my veins."

Bonus. "Now that don't make no sense. Early in the morning, spaghetti, hot dogs, and donuts. That's why your stomach be hurtin'!" Bar-B-Q

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 21:30:59 GMT

I saw this on carocrow's page, and honestly? It's the first time in the 2008 political season I haven't felt ambivalent about something. First off, he was an awesome president in The Fifth Element, and secondly I think it is time for a pro wrestler to be in the White House.

Also, I understand his stance on the issues every bit as well as any of the other candidates. This, despite the fact that he's not campaigning (or, for that matter, even aware that he's running.)

Plus, Tiny has not called me even one time with Celine Dion music blasting in the background, telling me that he will bring me CHANGE if I just press "1" and the country will be a better place with him in power and if you support him press "1" and if Bush makes you ANGRY then press "1" and he'll do something about it in a year when he's elected press "1" TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORT press "1" c'mon PRESS "1" FATE OF THE FREE WORLD PRESS "1" HURRY UP ASSHOLE PRESS "1" PRESS "1" PRESS "1".

Therefore: I give you Tiny Lister in 2008. A name you can trust, in a size you can't pass up.

Too good of a meme to pass up

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 20:30:45 GMT

1) Go to en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random and look at the name of the article. That is the name of your band.

2) Next, go to www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 and check the last four words of the very last quote. That is the name of your album.

3) Finally, head over to www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ and look at the third image. Whatever it is, that will be your album cover.

4) Muck all three up with your favorite photo-editing program and post the result.

Seriously, this all came up on my first shot at doing this.

This has got to be some kind of noodly 90s oversampled alternative album with ponderous, overwrought lyrics.

EDIT: More.

Who knew that political hopeful and former president of Focus on the Family Canada also put out what looks to be an alternative album?

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 10:14:55 GMT

91% Mike Gravel
87% Dennis Kucinich
77% Bill Richardson
73% John Edwards
73% Barack Obama
73% Joe Biden
72% Chris Dodd
67% Hillary Clinton
39% Ron Paul
28% John McCain
28% Rudy Giuliani
26% Mike Huckabee
23% Mitt Romney
15% Fred Thompson
13% Tom Tancredo

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

I'm a little concerned that Ron Paul is at the top of my Republican-list. Folks, there is a traitor in your midst.

I've done my time in a bar & grill.

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 21:58:20 GMT

98%ALCOHOLIC

A NaNoWriLess Food Adventure Novel.

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 06:18:52 GMT

I knew it was there, in the back of my mind. But today, I opened the cupboard, purposeful. I had finally come for it.

Stick blender, immersion blender, whatever name you give it. A small one, not the jackhammer from Iron Chef.

Roasted butternut squash soup. Turned out pretty decent!

A NaNoWriLess Christmas Nightmares Novel.

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 02:07:20 GMT

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

It started innocently. Carolers outside.

"We wish you a merry Christmas!"

They sung pleasantly, but soon they got demanding.

"Now bring us some figgy pudding."

I said no. But they were in for the long haul.

"We won't go until we get some."

Three weeks they've been on my doorstep.

A NaNoWriLess Internet Mystery Novel.

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 18:30:03 GMT

Lost in Translation, from English to...English?

"When she was just a widow she had won a golden medal for best children."

I'm watching the Thanksgiving episode of Good Eats. Alton's history of Thanksgiving mentions Sarah Josepha Hale. I came across this sentence in her Wikipedia article. It's deliciously indecipherable--and so I offer it to you.

Writer's Block: Top Five Video Games

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 05:52:27 GMT

What's on your Top 5 video games list?

View other answers

1. Leisure Suit Larry
2. Leisure Suit Larry 2
3. Leisure Suit Larry 3
4. Leisure Suit Larry 5
5. Pac-Man

Because Final Fantasy is very overrepresented.

A NaNoWriLess Classic Detective Novel.

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 17:56:50 GMT

"I daresay it was the cook!"

"Astounding, Holmes! However did you know?"

"He insinuated at the time of the murder, he was in the pantry inhaling a measure of the distilled coca powder. Unbeknownst to him, I had personally imbibed the last of it not more than fifteen minutes' prior."

A NaNoWriLess Psychedelic Poetry Book.

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 02:58:33 GMT

Try and guess the drug!

Leaves of Charmin

Whiff of poo-fumes
our filthy chariot

Angels on the left
and demons on the right
like methane we arise to the

Porcelain throne
we dance 'round the rim
beseeching a vision
from the watery tempest

A sphincter
an eye at the end
it sees us
it is our own eye.

A NaNoWriLess Addiction Survival Novel.

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 16:14:31 GMT

Confessions of a Shithead

I first tried Jenkem at fifteen. It was simple: FIRST YOU SHIT IN A JAR.

I wound up homeless. I'd panhandle, but only enough for a cheeseburger, Ex-Lax, and a mason jar.

My family staged an intervention. In rehab, it was hard learning to flush again. But I did learn.

A NaNoWriLess Swashbuckling Novel.

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 20:40:39 GMT

Pirates of the Carrageenan

"They fought like nothing in Christiandom," noted Cap'n Blondbeard. "But we showed 'em a fire to dim Hell itself, and took their little island as plunder."

"Ye're King of a fine land," crowed First Mate Williams.

"Not King," grinned Blondbeard. "What'd tha' one feller call 'imself?"

"Shōgun?"

"Aye. Shōgun Blondbeard."

EDIT. In NonNanNoWriLess-related news: it's snowing. Freakin' balls, it's snowing.

A NaNoWriLess Baking Book.

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 17:20:38 GMT

Bacon Apple Pie

Get bacon, apples, and a pie crust. Probably some sugar and flour too. Cook your bacon, and slice your apples. Put it in the pie crust. Somehow make the top. Then bake the whole thing. Or check out xlagartixax's bacon apple pie recipe and pictures--she invented it, after all.

NOTE: Wally's thoughts on bacon apple pie are forthcoming.

A NaNoWriLess Nature Documentary Series.

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 06:22:56 GMT

A NaNoWriLess Nature Documentary Novel, Book I.
My Life Amongst the Cheez: Habitat.

Having worked in a mini-mart, I've been privileged to observe nacho cheese in its natural habitat. The first curiosity about this strange and beautiful cheese is that it doesn't return to refrigeration at day's end like other cheeses; instead it perpetually resides in a plastic bag in a warming machine.

A NaNoWriLess Nature Documentary Novel, Book II.
My Life Amongst the Cheez: Behaviour.

When our noble cheese is called into service by pressing the machine's single red button, a rotating wheel massages the plastic urethra that descends from the cheese bag, and orange-yellow fluid is spurted onto the waiting food. Like Easy-Cheese, the first squirt is usually hardened remnants, and should be avoided.

A NaNoWriLess Nature Documentary Novel, Book III.
My Life Amongst the Cheez: Society.

Plastic bags of cheese reside in unrefrigerated storage for an indeterminate length of time before they see action in the warming machine. When placed in the machine, though, the cheese waits about a week, then begins changing from orange-yellow to orange-yellow-brown. It continues to be served until customers start noticing.

A NaNoWriLess Criminal Justice System Novel.

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 18:56:33 GMT

In the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime, and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

(You should see a nice little mini-play button up there, but if your Firefox hates Quicktime as much as mine does, just get the sound file here and play it at the appropriate moments, which is whenever you see the little green plugin missing thing. Oh, and the 50 words officially starts now.)

125th STREET

"Suicide?" pondered Detective Eamless. "These chest bruises indicate otherwise."

APARTMENT BUILDING

"Yeah, Tyrese was in Charlie's apartment," said Amanda.

TYRESE'S PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT

"You can't prove anything!"

TRIAL, PART 42

"He was wearing his kicking boots," testified Amanda.

AFTER TRIAL

"Tyrese won't defenestrate ever again. Poor Charlie, though."

(And done.)

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
DICK WOLF

A NaNoWriLess Sampler Platter.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 00:38:04 GMT

2 tonight, but they're a little longer. I figure if that dude can write a boy and his dragon tale at 15, then I'm twice the age so I should make twice the money. With that on the table, who could pass up doing one? Not me.

We also have a little more from the noble House of Manthick, in "Beyond the Welshman's Ambition."

A NaNoWriLess Boy and His Dragon Novel.
Itsagon

Itsagon was a shrewd but simple peasant boy living with his Uncle and cousin in a decent house outside of a humble village. One day, he found a big blue rock-jewel thing that later hatched into a dragon, which grew up pretty quick and started talking to him.

"I am your Dragon, Sambuca, and you are my rider."

"WHY ME!?!???!" Itsagon shouted.

"There's no need to shout, I can hear you just fine," said Sambuca. "I chose you because the land is ruled by an evil king and you're the one who can deliver us from him. Oh, and also because I love you."

"Awwww, that's what every boy who gets a dragon wants to hear. Okay, I'll help you. You can fly and carry me, right?"

"I sure can."

"And do you eat people, ever?"

"They're not my favorite but I can stomach them. Do you have any fava beans and a nice chianti?"

"I don't think so, why do you ask?"

"Never mind, let's just get on with your idea."

Itsagon and Sambuca flew for five days and nights, until they reached the lands of the evil king. They felt their bond growing closer than ever before during that time. They were all set to sink into the happy bliss of boy-dragon affinity, when they spotted what they were looking for.

"Is that him, Sambuca?"

"It sure is. Oooh, and he's out riding alone, too. Perfect."

The evil king was out for his nightly horseback ride. He'd conquered enough of the land to where he felt safe in the countryside surrounding his foreboding castle.

The dragon and boy landed in front of him.

"You! A dragon rider. I thought I had killed you all!"

"I guess you did? I'm a new one," shrugged Itsagon. "Anyway. Sambuca, NOW!"

Sambuca ate the king in one gulp, while he was still talking this-and-that about he was unthwartable.

"Ugh," said Sambuca.

"Here, have a drink of this," offered Itsagon.

"Chianti! When did you have the time?"

"It was when we stopped at the one village so I could ask directions. Sorry, no fava beans, though."

"Oh, it's perfect anyway, Itsagon. I love you!"

"I love you too, Sambuca!"

-------------------------

A Sequel to a NaNoWriLess Bodice-Ripper Novel Sequel.
Beyond the Welshman's Ambition

"Oh, Lord Manthick!" purred Princess Lydia.

The tall, powerfully built nobleman stood encased in full armor before the willowy girl. She could not see a single inch of his tanned skin, save for a small hinge-door in the front of his armor that currently stood open to reveal his engorged member.

"Is this some sort of trick you play on me?" inquired Lydia. "'Twould be unkind in the highest sense. I long to hear your voice, yet you but stand there. Why do you not speak to me?"

A voice echoed from the corridor. "Because, my dove, that is not I who stands before you!"

Lydia gasped, and quickly averted her eyes. The rigidity of the polearm protruding from the steel suit seemed to vanish like water flowing into thirsty soil. "Confound it, Manthick!" shouted the man in the armor. "You dare to interrupt my wooing of the fair Lydia?"

"I would not deign to call that sort of underhandedness 'wooing', Dafydd!" challenged Duncan Manthick, resplendent in his ceremonial armor. "Your father may be an honourable man, and a shining example of the nobility of a Welshman, but you! You act like the villainous bastard son that you are!"

"Then come!" cried Dafydd. "I shall show you your folly, son of a kitchen-maid!" He drew his longsword.

"With pleasure!" Duncan tore his two-handed sword from its sheath.

Lydia stood transfixed as sinew, muscle and bone clashed in a titanic struggle of dominance. For a while, it was a battle of equals, until Dafydd treacherously threw the sheep's bladder he had been planning to use later as a prophylactic into Duncan's face.

With a swipe of his sword, Dafydd knocked Duncan's sword out of his hand. "You are disarmed. YIELD!"

"Never!" roared Duncan. He stepped in close so that his adversary could not bring his sword to bear. With a mighty yell, he seized the Welshman with both of his steel-wrapped fists, and in one quick movement spun him about and slammed him terrifically into the unyielding stone wall.

Dafydd gave a couple of gasps, and then slumped to the floor, unconscious. Duncan Manthick stood over him, the very picture of grace and power. Princess Lydia felt her cheeks flush and her skin tingle, and at once she realized he was quite openly admiring her back.

"Oh, Lord Manthick!" she cried, and their lips met with eager abandon. She could taste the sweat and the passion of battle on his lips, and it turned her into a pool of moistness in his arms. She desperately wanted to lose herself in his strong but tender embrace, yet there was still the distasteful matter at hand.

Reluctantly and grudgingly, she disengaged herself from him.

"What troubles you, my Lady?" asked the handsome young nobleman.

"This changes nothing, I fear. In the eyes of my father, the King, I am still betrothed to this loathsome...this vile..." As she glared at the unconscious man, Lydia broke down into sobs.

"I must respectfully disagree, my Lady," offered Duncan. "I have gained proof of his malfeasance. 'Ere we speak, my father, Archduke Manthick, is riding with two dozen knights to foil their traitorous ambush and rescue the King."

"Then, he shall surely release me from this wretched duty!" exclaimed Lydia. "But...would you have me, Lord Manthick?" she asked in a quiet voice. "Even...even after being forced into viewing the manhood of one whom I do not love?"

"Princess Lydia, were you to be my wife, I can vouch that mine is the only manhood you ever need see."

"Then, yes, my Lord, yes! And would you think it forward of me if I were to ask for a preview?"

"Not at all, my Lady."

"Oh, Lord Manthick!"

A NaNoWriLess Crime Scene Investigation Novel.

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 10:24:23 GMT

So maybe I'll actually look at this as a challenge--complete 50,000 words' worth of these nanonovels throughout November. For sanity's sake I'm going to say that they're all at least 50 words, but not 50 words exactly. Some of 'em might go a little over. Some of 'em might go a lot over, like this one. And they'll start going under cuts, so as not to flood your friends-page.

Down The Hatch

"Are the results of the autopsy in?" growled Captain Stevens.

"They are," replied Dr. Gilliam, "and you're not going to believe this one."

"Try me."

"Well, the cause of death of the 75-year old woman you found was cerebral hypoxia due to asphyxiation, which happened at 8:37 PM when apparently she attempted deglutition of a whole live horse, which then became lodged in her trachea."

"Unusual. Any idea about why she was trying to swallow an entire horse?"

"Yes. Further examination of the trachea revealed that, not more than two hours' prior, she'd managed the complete deglutition of an intact, live, cow."

"A cow? Improbable, but, again, why?"

"Well, as we probed further, we removed her stomach and discovered that before the cow, she'd also swallowed whole and live, a goat--and before the goat, a dog."

"This gets stranger and stranger," puzzled the Captain. "Is that all?"

"Not by a long shot," indicated the doctor. "Examination of the intestinal tract turned up, of all things, a cat. It went down about half an hour before the dog did."

"A cat? What's next, a mouse?"

"No, it was a bird."

"A bird."

"Yes, a bird. Further analysis of the old lady revealed little, so on a hunch we did an autopsy of the bird, as well. We discovered that the bird had somehow ingested a spider, but only at some point after the arachnid had already been swallowed by the old lady. So we went back and examined the old lady, and discovered traces of the spider in her digestive system as well. Apparently the theory panned out, and it had indeed been swallowed by her first."

"So was that it?"

Dr. Gilliam adjusted his glasses. "Well, there's just one minor thing. DNA evidence shows that there was another creature ingested at some point--a common housefly. Its current level of breakdown shows that its presence predates the spider's."

The Captain sounded vexed. "We've been questioning the neighbors and relatives, and no one has been able to shed any light on the subject. So if you've discovered anything that explain this situation..."

"I can tell you definitively the facts of the case," said the doctor. "But I can't guess as to motives--psychologically, it's anyone's guess, and her brain shows no abnormalities or signs of the onset of dementia. However, each subsequent ingestion seems to be linked to the previous one, setting up a chain of events that began with the deglutition of the housefly."

"And what about the fly?" asked the Captain, exhaustedly.

"That's where the chain ends. I have several different theories, but the long and short of it is that I don't know why she swallowed that fly."

A NaNoWriLess Incredible Journey.

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 00:51:44 GMT

Buddy, Please Come Home

"I miss my rooster, Buddy," sobbed Jimmy.

"Buddy wouldn't be happy here in New York," replied Jimmy's mom.

She was wrong. After three harsh months on the road, Buddy, with Cristobel the Cow's help, was elected Mayor of New York. Then, he invited Jimmy to stay in the Mayor's mansion.

A NaNoWriLess Bodice-Ripper.

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 00:40:05 GMT

A Nobleman To Love Me

"Oh, Archduke Manthick," shuddered Julie as her lover's ridged scepter transported her to the heights of ecstasy, "marry me!"

"No," sighed the well-muscled nobleman. "You're my chambermaid. Our laws forbid it."

"Can't you change them?" Julie pouted, her bosom heaving.

"I shall. The King owes me a boon."

"Oh, Archduke!"

A NaNoWriLess Detective Novel.

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 23:21:36 GMT

"The Mystery of the Purloined Bourbon"

Someone drank my bourbon. Someone's going to pay.

Tom points out this one dame who's been acting suspicious. I ease myself up, and turn and shove Tom. There's a napkin stuck to his arm from when he reached over to steal my drink.

"You're buying?" I growl.

"Yup," he says.

The NaNoWriLess Challenge.

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 04:44:16 GMT

So it's now officially November, and that means it's time for good old NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. Your mission is to churn out, by any means necessary, a 50,000 word novel by the end of the month.

However, given that I'm currently kinda busy writing something else at the moment, I've decided to pare things down a little: I'm going to drop a zero or two or three from the total size of the thing. So instead of starting on a 50,000 word novel, a 5,000 word short story, or even a 500 word essay, I give you the 50 word NaNonovel. It's the kind of project I have just the right ambition for, and I'm sure you all do too.

In fact, I'm done already! I'm going to post mine right here, and encourage you all to take the same challenge: produce a 50 word nanonovel by the end of the month and post it here too, or in your own journal. In fact, post two or three. It's like dim sum, you can have many small bites before you're full.

So, here we go:

"In His Shadow" (titles don't count towards your total)

"I finally beat your record, Dad. If only you were alive to see it."

The last plate hit the table, empty but for the bones. Roger looked up at the picture above him, which bore the inscription "Most Wings Eaten".

He belched sonorously, to indicate the gravity of the occasion.

BAR-B-Q PARTY

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 03:24:13 GMT

Everyone's invited. barbq_party

GET THERE. GET FED. GET BIZZY.