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A. Hamster

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LONG TIME NO SEE RANDOM POST [Oct. 9th, 2009|01:08 pm]
A. Hamster
Up here in New York, I've picked up the habit of mispronouncing any Spanish word as badly as I can to see if anyone notices or corrects me.

Taco = "tack-oh"
Burrito = "burr-it-oh"
Quesadilla = "Kwes-ah-dill-a", "dill" as in "dill pickle"
Jalapeños = "jal-o-peen-os", with the j sound in "jar".
Chipotle = "chi-poodle" (no we don't have one of those up here, I use that at McDonalds on the snack wraps)

No one has noticed so far. I think a couple of Puerto Ricans have snickered to themselves, though.
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(no subject) [Nov. 14th, 2008|08:38 pm]
A. Hamster
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A. Hamster

Everybody's said just about everything about this election already, so there isn't too much I need to add. So instead, and in keeping with my NaNoWriMo theme of snatching up other author's styles (in case you haven't been following) I give you a modern-day trip to the grocery store, Coleridge-style. I'm calling this one


Next time: Children of the Universe #8!
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MAYA ANGELOU: COOKBOOK [Nov. 3rd, 2008|02:18 am]
A. Hamster
I'm sure I posted this one somewhere else before, so sorry if it's a repeat for some folks, but I realized it fits in to this whole current NaNoWriMo theme of gaffling other authors' styles.

Anyway. Maya Angelou has an honest dang cookbook out there, and Oprah's favorite recipe out of it is apparently the banana pudding.

Here is Maya Angelou's recipe for banana pudding.Collapse )

Sounds good, doesn't it? But it's a little clinical, I thought, especially for something that's coming from Maya Angelou.

I would think that if Maya Angelou wrote a recipe it would go something like this.Collapse )
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HEMINGWAY: THE CHILDREN'S BOOK [Oct. 31st, 2008|01:41 pm]
A. Hamster

He was a magic dragon who frolicked in the autumn mist in Honah Lee and it had been eighty-seven days since he could be brave. In the first days of summer a boy had been with him. But after forty days of painted wings and giant rings the boy's parents told him that the dragon was now definitely and finally fábula, which is the worst form of imaginary, and one gray night the boy had gone at their orders to a youth group, where he made three good friends the first day. It made the boy sad to see the dragon come in each day with his head bent in sorrow. The green scales fell like rain and, fallen, they looked like the flag of permanent defeat.

The magic dragon was long and green with glimmering scales on the back of his neck. Strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff were in his hoard. The hoard spilled well down from his cavern to the cherry lane and it had many bits of wrapping paper from years of boyish gifts. But none of these gifts were new. They were as old as a Christmas present that was hidden in the attic and forgotten.

"Puff," the boy said as they walked back from the beach where the boat with billowed sail was moored. "I could go with you again."

The magic dragon had taught the boy to keep a lookout perched on his gigantic tail and the boy loved him.

"No," the magic dragon said. "You are with real friends. Stay with them."

"But remember how noble kings and princes would bow whenever we came and how pirate ships would lower their flags when you would roar out your name."

"I remember," the magic dragon said. "I know you did not leave me because you stopped believing in me."
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NaNoSomethingortheother [Oct. 31st, 2008|06:39 am]
A. Hamster

I was wondering what to do this year for the ol' Novel Writing Month, which has basically turned into this thing where instead of writing a novel, I make up some sort of weird nutty writing assignment and go to it until I get busy with something else.

And then drinky_lemur mentioned in a post yesterday that he was once given an assignment to write in the style of Hemingway. Ahhh, inspiration! Seriously, that is a crazy enough assignment to where I just have to try this.

And that's what I shall be doing this time around: writing chunklets of other people's novels, without resorting to the crutch of summoning their spirits and going in for that whole automatic writing thing.

OK! So here is some 'Hemingway', well except this time the expatriate is a Southern Californian.Collapse )
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borrowed [Oct. 30th, 2008|05:59 pm]
A. Hamster
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not the mason-dixon line but possibly just as important [Oct. 23rd, 2008|10:23 pm]
A. Hamster
[Tags|, ]

This world is made up of lines, lines that often don't exist anywhere except in our heads. Where one country or state leaves off and another begins. Property rights. Things that divide us, things that we don't even know have been dividing us for years.

Like mayonnaise.

That's the line I'm talking about here: the Hellmann's-Best Foods Line.

Over the course of a hundred years, two mayonnaise empires were carved out, joined, and then united in their division. More specifically: in 1905 one Richard Hellmann, previously a German forest-dweller, came to America and married into a delicatessen family. People liked his wife's mayonnaise so much that he started selling it in "wooden boats" that were used for weighing butter, and eventually demand (and splinters) grew to the point where he decided glass jars were a better idea.

At almost the exact same time Best Foods started selling mayonnaise in California, but without the benefit of a charming immigrant story. These two spheres of ever-increasing influence finally came into contact somewhere over the Rockies, and then just as two small globs of mayo become one large one, the two companies were merged.

But brand-name recognition being what it is, both mayonnaises and their individual recipes were preserved. The look of the packaging, the marketing campaigns, everything else would be identical, but the names and recipes would be different. (Check out the websites at Hellmann's and Best Foods. Watch the logo at the Best Foods site as it briefly flashes "Hellmann's" before changing!)

The upshot of all this is that after the merger, one could no longer buy Hellmann's Mayonnaise west of the Rockies, nor Best Foods Mayonnaise east of the Rockies. This continues to this day.

Which brings me to my point: somewhere in this country there is an invisible line. On each side of this line there is a grocery store or gas station. One will have Hellmann's, and the other Best Foods. I would like to know where this line is. Is it possible that somewhere there might even be a store that carries both brands?

And could a map be drawn to show this division? It's possible the Dutch already have one, Unilever bought the company in the 90s but preserved the name divide. They swapped out the glass jars for plastic ones, though, and introduced the 30 oz. quart. They also diddled with the recipes, I'm finding out as I'm finishing this. And here I thought the subtle difference in mayonnaise was just because I switched coasts.

Oh well, I'm honestly more of a hot sauce person anyway.
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JOE THE PLUMBER [Oct. 15th, 2008|11:22 pm]
A. Hamster
McCain mentioned Joe the Plumber something like 21 times during the debate. In fact, I felt like the whole thing was kind of a love letter from McCain to good old Joe. But who is Joe, really?

Joe Wurzelbacher, a.k.a. Joe the Plumber, is certainly making the rounds on youtube right now. But did you know that he also made the rounds in the AWA, the WCWA, and the WWF? The screencap above doesn't do him justice: if you look closely at the video, you can see a man who's hunching over to speak to the 6'1" Obama, and is easily 3 times as wide.

That's right: he may have lost a little weight since his heyday, but it's clear that our own Joe the Plumber, in a previous career, was King Kong Bundy. Do you really think that frozen pipes could stand up to this man?

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Movie meme: last two. [Feb. 23rd, 2008|10:31 pm]
A. Hamster
Here's the answers to the quotes no one guessed—I'm going to do this in the form of really obvious quotes.

2. "I have just shot someone, I did it on purpose."
2nd quote from 2. "'Rubber baby buggy bumpers.' Ha! You did not know I would say that!"
3rd quote from 3.

"Trying to be funny?"
"Yes. I am the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger."

9. "I got to feeling like a machine. That's no way to feel."
This movie had 2 proper sequels. Here is a quote from one of the sequels: "Baby, by now it's shrunk down to 20 inches."

Who is the man, who would risk his neck for his brother man?
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